Ride the POTUS

Earlier tonight, I was browsing a series called Join or Die, in which artist Justine Lai attempts to subvert our monumental and strangely dehumanized images of the American presidents, via paintings of herself having sex with them in chronological order. According to her mission statement, her intent isn't to deliver predictably controversial anti-patriarchy subject matter, but to demythologize while also poking gentle fun of legacies.

I was looking at the paintings on a forum that had, for membership rules, mirrored and censored a few of them and was just about to click over to her website when my friend Devri logged on to AIM and fired off an IM to me in about two seconds. There are only two things that are bound to happen when someone you know does this: either they're about to tell you something you really desperately do not want to hear, know about or otherwise deal with; or they're going to tell you something awesome. In this case, it was the latter, only funnily enough, she sent me the link to the exact page I was already reading. Because I know how dearly everyone loves them, here they are: chatlogs, sweet nourishing wondrous chatlogs.

Devri: Oh my God.
Devri: That's horrifying.
Me: I was literally just reading that.
Devri: I seriously recoiled from the screen.
Devri: I dare you to repost that on [that site you work on.]
Me: I want to. I really do.
Devri: Would you ban me if I do?
Me: I would have to remove your post and give you a stern warning.
Devri: Oh no, what if I would like that?
Me: It would probably be the Grant spanking picture with a Photoshop over the butt that said, "lol this is u."
Devri: I give [Lai] credit for original thought, but I can't bring myself to actually go look at the site.
Me: The pictures aren't any larger on the site.
Me: And what's behind the censored parts isn't really explicit at all.
Devri: I know but ugh.
Devri: I can't decide what creeps me out more, that they're presidents or just really old ugly naked guys.
Devri: Probably both.
Me: I think it's because you're kind of curious about the Pounding Fathers.
Devri: Die.
Me: You already know what Washington's bald head looks like; you see it every time you fish for cash in your purse. But now you can't help but wonder what it'd look like if you fished for it in his pants.
Me: And of course you played with Lincoln Logs while growing up.
Me: Read all about The Monroe Cocktrine.
Devri: You're going to spin this into a blog post, aren't you?
Me: Why would I do something like that?
Devri: James "Get me some" Madison
Me: Just because you're a little scared of your liberty to pursue some happiness.
Me: Remember, too, big John Handcock was the president under the Articles of Confederation.
Devri: Lady Liberty Prophylactics.
Devri: She really needs to paint herself in a DP with Grover Beaveland.
Me: "My tree of liberty must occasionally be refreshed and lubricated by the sopping wet pussies of minorities I own who cannot give consent."

— Thomas Jefferson
Me: Andrew Jacks'n shoulda been doing it alone.
Me: And you know Andrew's Johnson got a ton of play. He was inpeached, you know.
Devri: Rutherford G-Spot Hayes.
Me: The Warren G. Harding joke tells itself.
Devri: haha
Devri: Ol' Teapot Dome, know what I'm sayin'?
Me: Let's just say Warren G. knew how to regulate.
Devri: Roosevelt and his big stick. 

Devri: *points to stick*
Me: You know FDR lost feeling in his legs because he preferred cowgirl.
Devri: Eleanor was not a tiny lady, true. That's really what killed things between them. The more you know.
Me: Millard Fillmore got his last name because he could literally tear a woman open.
Devri: I'm now really impressed that [Lai] seems to have found a very fertile but thus far untapped vein of inquiry.
Me: Chester "Straight to the A" Arthur: his preference kept him from reproducing his electoral success.
Me: Franklin Pierce: rapist.
Devri: Sadly, Dewey didn't get them wet enough.

Me: I can't believe it took me this long to think of, "Martin Van Buren?—more like Martin Van BALLIN'!
Devri: Ronnie's Little Ray-Gun.

Me: Herbert Hoover was pretty much strictly oral, which is why he's remembered to this day as a sucky president.
Devri: Something something Hoover and trailer hitches...
Devri: And chrome.
Me: Like his technique with the clitoris, Hoover's economics only produced inflation.
Devri: "A chick in every pot"
Me: Ha!
Devri: Listening to Radiohead makes this all the more bizarre for some reason I can't articulate.

Me: True story: before the constitution was rewritten, the president was supposed to administer the oath of orifice on a spread eagle.

Devri: How's the state of this Union, bitch?