Twitter Twaddle II

Last year, I signed up for Twitter in a misguided attempt to promote this junk. Here's what I've learned: Twitter don't promote shit. Unless you're willing to follow 1,000+ people and tell them outrageous lies like "I like your tweets," or, "Your Twitter feed is my first stop every day," you're not going to get much click-through to your terrible, terrible product. About the only other thing that works is sending over two million self-serious hipsters to Goatse, but you can't do that sort of thing every day.

Like I said in the first Twitter post, the stench of failure descended on my self-promotional almost immediately, leaving me with this useless unappealing tool in my hands. Well, if no one else was going to be interested in it, I was determined to have fun playing with it myself. The thing quickly became an excuse for a daily joke, riffing off Twitter's trending topics or posting aimless one-liners. Since I don't know the majority of people on my Twitter — "Hi, Mobutu Sese Seko, Need Money (NeedMoneyTips) is now following your updates" — I figured I'd repost some of the funnier bits here for friends and blog followers.
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every time i freebase Crystal Light, i see a beam of energy shoot into my chest and for the only time in my life, i believe in me 10:57 PM Oct 4th, 2008 from web

i buy a box of raisin bran and a box of corn flakes and mix them together b/c, tbqh, i find two scoops of raisins to be one too many 8:56 PM Oct 5th, 2008 from web

a restaurant named stonewood? MAKE UP YOUR MIND 7:46 PM Oct 7th, 2008 from txt

hope halloween is better than last year's. i went as a zombie and some other guy was wearing the exact same organs i was 1:55 AM Oct 13th, 2008 from web

not sure what just happened but i either had sex with an angel or with a member of The Polyphonic Spree wearing an Aerobie on her head 2:03 AM Oct 15th, 2008 from web

i'm writing a comedy. it's the story of Tamerlane if he had OCD. picture Detective Monk straightening a ziggurat of skulls 11:40 AM Oct 17th, 2008 from web

if i was ever on jeopardy and up by $10,000 and there was a category called "African Countries," i'd buzz in and answer every one "Djibouti" 2:59 PM Oct 20th, 2008 from web

no disrespect to ppl w/Marfan Syndrome, but they should really wear dayglo suits and scare rednecks shitless by pretending to be aliens 5:55 PM Oct 21st, 2008 from web

is going to BLINGEE™ the shit out of the official portrait of every american president. expected highlight: Crunklin D. Hosvelvet 2:07 PM Oct 27th, 2008 from web

there's nothing more totally erotic than watching a woman working a leafblower and wearing yellow shooting glasses and tac pants 4:57 PM Nov 8th, 2008 from web

Though it might have scattered soil all over the floor, Don's suplexing of the ficus was a necessary message to all the other plants. 2:21 PM Nov 9th, 2008 from web

hope this electoral mandate means we can name weapons after liberals. i'd love to fire off explosive-tipped rounds from the "M115A Kucinich" 3:41 PM Nov 10th, 2008 from web

walked into an ontology class, threw the prof against the wall, made him eat sand & said, "DUST. WIND. DUDE." then gave the class an A, left 3:45 PM Nov 12th, 2008 from web

i had my wife bake my library card inside a cake so i could use it to escape -- TO IMAGINATION 3:08 PM Nov 13th, 2008 from web

all the other days in the life of Ivan Denisovich could have been pretty sweet, but they don't say anything, so you have to, like, ASSUME 2:36 PM Nov 14th, 2008 from web

it's pretty shameful that Bush's solution to reducing our foreign oil dependency was to put the U.S. permanently on Burger Time 3:38 PM Nov 14th, 2008 from web

the day i'm named attorney general is the day i start to grow a Magnum mustache, wear aviator glasses and put epaulettes on my briefcase 2:45 AM Nov 15th, 2008 from web

The first opera was written in 1597 in Florence, Henderson. 1:57 PM Nov 15th, 2008 from web

If there isn't an Iraq war parody porno called "The 120 Days of Saddam," God knows there ought to be. 12:03 AM Nov 16th, 2008 from web

idea rejected in the star trek writers' room: omnipotent and capricious gas being who corrects everyone's splitting of infinitives 1:25 PM Nov 16th, 2008 from web

as a boy, the first internet serial killer tortured cats by vivisecting & posing them with fast food, then writing, "i can died 4 cheezbrgr" 3:44 PM Nov 16th, 2008 from web

Alabama is the only place in the world where "Hominy" can either be what's for dinner or the hooker's name 7:36 PM Nov 16th, 2008 from web

I hate it when the guy who vomits bees and makes the walls bleed starts talking in Latin backwards, because I'm like, "Fuckin' snob..." 11:12 AM Nov 17th, 2008 from web

my asshole druid neighbor keeps me up at night moaning at trees, but he cures these fucking awesome hams at the equinox, so i'm in a bind 5:10 PM Nov 18th, 2008 from web

the Whatchamacallit candy bar is a cruel, cynical and exploitive slap in the face to anyone who suffers from aphasia 8:09 PM Nov 18th, 2008 from web

i know a lot of tori amos' songs can deal with the fact she was raped, but The Rape EP with 11 minutes of screaming and sobs seems overboard 10:07 AM Nov 19th, 2008 from web

"I'm sorry, sir, but it appears you have contact pachydermatitis. Or, as we like to call it, 'Elephant Face.'" 4:50 PM Nov 19th, 2008 from web

I knew the bottle seemed irregular, but I didn't know what it was shaped like until I got home and noticed the label read "Garnier Fuctis" 12:31 AM Nov 20th, 2008 from web

I don't care how many pep squad members were were forced off the bridge; calling it the "Baton Death March" shows a serious lack of taste. 11:35 PM Nov 20th, 2008 from web

"And you say the parson fell into the fountain? Oh, ho ho ho ho! That is MOST diverting!" Lady Bithnell twittered. 11:22 AM Nov 21st, 2008 from web

i bet Phil Spector refuses to talk to anyone but himself because he thinks everything sounds much better in mono 10:11 PM Nov 21st, 2008 from web

i stay in hotels a lot & one day i met this guy & he said, "my name is Gideon" & i just said, "IT'S YOU!" & snapped & just whaled on his ass 10:37 PM Nov 22nd, 2008 from web

concept album about squirrel pimp stalled out in early stages because all song topics way too predictable 4:09 PM Nov 23rd, 2008 from web

"Duff McKagan" sounds like a sex command 4:23 PM Nov 24th, 2008 from web

you know who tells you not to look a gift horse in the mouth? people who don't want you to find the microfilm 6:07 PM Nov 25th, 2008 from web

PETA protesters at my oyster baseball tournament were quickly dispersed because they failed to take the foul-ball shard factor into account 9:16 PM Nov 25th, 2008 from web

when i rammed a DC-10 with a Town Car, they told me that's not what a Lincoln-Douglas debate is. Frankly if that's the case, I'd rather lose 11:36 PM Nov 27th, 2008 from web

thank god that owner was flying flags from the rear windows. i was worried this particular SUV wasn't affiliated with America 7:22 PM Nov 30th, 2008 from web

i hate the end of thanksgiving because it means the bigassed strippers stop doing the "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" dance 2:44 AM Dec 2nd, 2008 from web